The realization. The memory. The recollection that things are no longer as they once were. I started crying this evening and realized that it was Dad-- I miss him. I've had so many strange dreams recently. I dreamt about Dad. I dreamt that I lifted my hand, and magic sprung forth, and a beautiful rainbow danced from my fingertips. Last night, I dreamt of blood, and I can't remember why. I woke up cursing my alarm clock, as though it were a sentient being that I could blame all of my problems on. Alarm clock as scape-goat.
March 13: I decided to embark on a spiritual transformation.
March 17: I was very depressed all day. Then I realized that it had been exactly a month since Dad died.
March 19: I decided to burn my old journal entries, the ones that reflected a certain desperation buried deep within me, the ones that are no longer conducive to my healing. When cutting out these pages, I realized that they were written on March 19, 2011. On this day, it was exactly a year since the worst of my depression, and I am finally moving away from it.
March 24: A day before the 25th, almost exactly a month since my birthday, I realized that I don't remember how old I am. Dad died the week before my birthday, and although I received birthday cards and well-wishes, it just wasn't important to me. The only thing that mattered was Dad, and when I was younger, my father was still alive. Therefore, on some subconscious level, I suppose I decided that if I remained the same age, then Dad would, too.
It creeps up on you-- this realization that grieving is not yet over, that the shadow has not yet passed. That favorite song I mentioned? Two years ago, I listened to it over and over again, and I cried every time I heard it, because it summarized everything that I was going through. Maybe I'm still going through it. Maybe it never really ended. Maybe everything has only just begun. Only this time, I am a different person, with a different outlook, and a different approach. I just hope that everything works out the way it should. Maybe it won't be the way I want it to work out, but it will be the way I need it to.